"Insolitus · Somnium"

I should really pay closer attention to sustenance during the day. I had a cup of pineapples for breakfast only to skip lunch from all the busy-ness. When I did remember that I did not remember, it was too late to do anything about it.

Sushi was the answer, and it hit the spot nicely. I was hoping for some all-you-can-eat wings at Hooters, but Fate intervened and gave me something...healthier.

Perhaps it was for the best.

The conductor of SSW asked if my Scherzo was a "dance." I think he realized that he has to now replace the piece he cancelled. We'll see if he makes good on his word to at least read it. Gethsemane has once again been postponed.

Current Mood:

contemplative

It was a great rehearsal tonight. I have been trying out a different placement of my flute head-joint the past week to see if it would ease control of intonation faster than it has been. Tonight I very close on deciding whether or not I like it. It certainly is moving toward the former.

We read some great orchestral transcriptions tonight - the first movement of Brahms' Requiem and Carmina Burana for starters. E ended rehearsal early - mostly because out conductor is a football fan. We went until 9:30 before calling it a night.

I am feeling a little sad that I will be missing this concert. The program is quite challenging and the heavy classical type. Oh well.

Current Mood:

contemplative

Feeling good tonight despite a seeming blunder on the part of Revenue Canada yesterday.

I finally told my parents about Tess, and after presenting them with all of her wonderful future planning, accepted her within the space of 5 minutes. I think at this point they are no longer concerned about me siring a child, but rather having someone with me in old age as a companion. Things seem more and more "in place" every day that passes.

I will miss her in March for the three weeks I am away, but this will give her the opportunity to finish the on-line course she is taking and work on the paperwork for her divorce. Work without distraction is work meticulous.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I am angling towards full acceptance of my situation with Tess. After a barrage of questions I posed to her last night regarding finances and future plans, I must say that I am thoroughly impressed. She has life insurance, an educational fund, bank investments, and is (at this very moment) taking an online course to be able to sell Mutual Funds...and, as well as being debt free, she has (like me) at least 5 digits in her bank account. She is simple, therefore thrifty (like me), and thinks of others first before herself. We have to work on this last one, but that is the easy bit. She certainly have thought about everything (well, almost everything, but certainly the important ones) and I am more confident now about her finances.

She has no mental problems like manic depression, nor is she allergic to ANY food...an omnivore close to my heart.

I am feeling rather pleased at the moment. The fact of that she can raise her child on her own with or without a partner is, in itself, a feat that I find most admirable. The ability to be independent is definitely a great asset. I am confident that she will be a good wife, a good mother, a good economist...she gets better and better every time I learn about her.

During my vacation in March, I intend to visit her parents...and her child. I will introduce myself.

I think this will work. I really think this will work.

Current Mood:

contemplative

It may have been panic that caused me to write what I did two days ago. I am giving it until the end of March, although I think that I will get used to the idea long before that.

Traditional upbringing sometimes can lead to complications. I intend to train myself to be more flexible.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I was reflecting on the number of accidents a couple of weeks ago, about people getting hit by motor vehicles (last count 11 in 8 days). Just as I was about to end the thought I witnessed a pedestrian doing the following:

1. Jaywalking slowly across a busy main arterial road while...
2. Wearing a winter coat with a hood lined by thick fur (hood up, covering their entire head) and...
3. Not looking both ways while...
4. Listening to their iPod in one ear and...
5. Talking on their cellphone in the other as...
6. Angry motorists are honk, trying to slow down on freshly snowed road.

I said to myself, "THAT is how people get themselves hit!"

Perhaps people should be vigilant and refresh themselves on the proper way to cross the street. Just because you are a pedestrian does not mean you have the right of way all the time.

People like that deserve to be hit.

Current Mood:

aggravated

There is nothing to worry about. I am not getting married.

I have been thinking about my relationship with Tess. It is not easy having to think about reality while the other side of you is bursting with happiness. It is easy to leave out and ignore important issues with butterflies in one's stomach.

Had things been normal, this would work very well. She is everything I can hope for in a woman. Those qualities I shan't repeat here, but there is one thing that has been at the back of my mind for a month now especially since we have started to get seriously attached to each other - her child.

Honestly, I am not keen about the idea about raising another man's child. Neither am I keen about the idea that if we decide to get married that I will be also legally responsible for raising this child. If divorce ensues (heaven forbid), I will be legally responsible to provide alimony for both the wife and child. As much the emotional element is beneficial, the economic element does not seem too palatable at the present time - in fact, it spells potential disaster for me. I do not make a lot of money, nor can I afford a child let alone raise someone else's.

I have been talking to many married men, men who I trust and have an honourable heart to stick to staying married even if they are unhappy. These are men I pity for I see them justifying being married while getting the feeling that they are forced to say it, hoping that by repeating it a few times that they too will believe it. From time to time thy say exactly how they feel (I tend to have a way of being padre confessore to many people).

Keeping this in mind, I see myself in a lose-lose situation.

My solution is not to get married thereby keeping myself free from any legal elements that may bind me into an obligation to provide any kind of economic support (unless I want to, by my own free bound by honour and bushido). People who dash into marriage and children without thinking about the economic ramifications end up in a kind of time-bomb waiting to explode, and I certainly do not wish to be an example of this. She can ask for alimony from her husband (which she has every right to do), but I will not jeopardize myself by being married.

Do not get me wrong. I love Tess, and I love her with all my heart. But, does love justify ignoring logic, reality, and economics? Many I have seen get into deep waters and ruin because of love and the blindness to reality it triggers. I fear that situation, I fear the power of love.

It is a topic that Tess and I must discuss...and decide whether or not to continue this relationship before emotions get too deep. It is a serious issue.

Current Mood:

contemplative

There was a lot of very difficult playing tonight. The entire night was filled with orchestral transcriptions.

Unfortunately I will not be doing their next concert in March.

Current Mood:

tired

I say, "I love you..."
She says, "I love you more..."

Hm...this is different.

Current Mood:

contemplative

It was a wonderful Teutonic day at work. With the absence of a majority of the "rock n' roll" combo staff, I took the opportunity to put through the store speakers the music I generally listen to.

German music, played by Germans.

I timed it to 2.5 hours between era switches starting with Mozart from 10-12:30, Beethoven from 12:30 to 3:00, and Mahler from 3-6. I even caught the wife of the owner whistling to the fugatto section of the finale to Beethoven's 9th. It also created a wonderful weapon against juveniles - the high pitched screams of high woodwinds and brass in the first movement Mahler's 7th interrupted the rock riffs a child was playing, rendering their doodling uninspiring. It prevented them from showing off to their friends. One gentleman (who was clearly killing time) felt uneasy increasing the volume of the amplifier he was using lest he interrupted the gorgeous sweeping lines in the slow movement of Mahler's 6th.

It created a wonderful, peaceful, and elegant atmosphere in the store...and Time was not felt.

Current Mood:

cheerful

I have many memories of my youth, some of them good and some of them bad. Of the good, most are about playtime. I savoured moments when we would go outside and play tag, cops and robbers, hide and seek, tug of war, or just the simple pleasure of making things from scratch. I got dirty and enjoyed it. I laughed a lot, and built imagined worlds with sand.

My heart broke when I say a young boy today, isolated from the world playing a game on a hand-held device. My heart broke realizing that many of the children now do not know what it is like to be a child, a natural child interacting with other children, learning social skills, keeping fit while playing.

Technology has become both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand it makes life easier by relieving us of repetitive tasks and faster production. We are blessed with information at our fingertips, able to converse with anyone everywhere. Yet despite all these developments in information accessibility, we have forgotten how it is to be truly social, to interact "in the flesh," to do something outside the realm of technology.

Children have become the victims of the fad I call "resultant isolationism" - plunged into a world where they can develop their brains but not their bodies and verbal communication, where the information is fed to them without considering the balance between mind and body. Children type instead of write, push buttons instead of run, watch instead of read. Our textbooks are slowly being watered down as a result of an increasingly high observable level of a lack of communication and language skills. Children start resembling zombies, staring at you, lacking the skills to express themselves fully.

Even with "active" games like "Wii" or "Wii Fit" they are stuck in the quarantined enclosure of the indoors, interacting with a machine instead of children. Even if they are partnered, they still remain alone.

During the August blackout in August of some years ago, I remember my brothers taking the chess board outside and enjoying the evening. I remember chatting with neighbours before retiring indoors to play the piano next to an open window. I remember new immigrant children coming outside to play hide-and-seek in the dark. Unfortunately these scenes will soon become a thing of the past. I can see children looking at each other, not knowing how and what to say...

I hope I die before I witness this.

Current Mood:

contemplative

The rotund-pink-loving-lazy-waste-of-flesh that I work with is showing obvious indications that she is as stupid as she looks. Not only do fellow staff members loathe her, our beloved manager is also starting to. The latter has taken my side of things - something I was waiting for knowing full well that the former's actions will eventually lead to her downfall. I have a feeling that it is only a matter of time before something will be implemented. She has received two written warnings and multiple one-on-one meetings, breaking the rules almost immediately after she has been told. Documentation is being prepared and collated, and this pleases me.

I am a man who holds grudges, and as much as many believe that this is not a good thing I don't agree. I hold grudges for protection based on the premise that if a person is capable of hurting you once, they will be capable of doing it again. This rotund-pink-loving-lazy-waste-of-flesh has crossed me three times - and three is my forgiveness limit. After that, I will make sure that they fall by using every opportunity available to create an aura of negativity around them, giving everyone the perception that that person is to be loathed. Propaganda is a wonderful tool.

I am not a good enemy to have. A Scorpio is a very dangerous enemy. Once you have hurt one, make sure that you are vigilant enough to dodge vengeance.

Current Mood:

predatory

I woke up in a horrible mood this morning and it stayed that way until this evening.

The anticipated reading of Gethsemane was in vain. We had no percussion this evening, and the flute section was either away or sick. I read the important bits. Perhaps it is better we did not read it tonight.

Current Mood:

blah

There was a time when I loved unconditionally, without question and with every risk of losing myself for the other person. After many years of unsuccessful pairings (not to mention, a lot of bitterness) and repeated episodes of hanging on to what I thought was a noble trait - the giving of oneself totally to love - I realized that things have changed.

It is hard to describe what I feel with Maritess. When I accepted the fact that I was immensely fond of her and willing to allow myself to "turn gray" with her, I am finding that the feelings that I used to feel for a member of the opposite sex are no longer there. I am speaking of that obsessive longing that blinds most people, that overwhelming desire to be with the other person at the risk of abandoning one's individuality. I feel I am in control this time, rather than the one being controlled. I feel I have the power to sway things to how they should be and not rely on Fate to set things right. I feel that I have freedom to voice my opinions no matter how offensive those opinions are without having to worry about being chastised or resented as a result of them. I feel that I can be a man by admittance without having to apologize for having the urges and instincts of a man. I can talk about race and religion, music and noise, art and graffiti, society, war, love, peace...and she listens...and she discusses.

Here is a woman who is traditional, docile yet assertive, gentle yet with the potential to be controllably rough. She is feminine without being revolting or irritatingly vain. She is simple yet highly intelligent, absorbing and retaining new information and knowledge like a sponge. She is humble and content to live under my shadow, desiring only to be with me in private with little interest of being plunged into my public life. She is rare because of these qualities, and this to me is very attractive. She does all of this by choice. She cannot help it, it is in her blood.

I have concluded that two strongly stubborn personalities in a relationship usually end up filled with arguments with both parties not listening. Between Maritess and I, I am the stronger - we balance each other out in this way. Besides, I have had my fill of opinionatedly strong women in my life, women whose sole silent purpose is to try to change me into their image of the the "perfect partner" using their individual repertoire of manipulative methods. I am too complex to be pigeon-holed into such an absurd category. Perfect I am not, nor do I aspire to be. I am who I am and will always be who and what I am.

Perhaps my experiences have caused me to love a woman not with a boy's passion, but with a man's love - where responsibility, mutual trust, objectivity, logic, diplomacy, politics, and economics become more important than physical passion.

This is what things have become...perhaps the old me is dead, strangled by his own hand.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I have decided to shut out the Aegean Princess I was so enamoured with a long time ago. Now that she has captured the attentions of and is now in a relationship, she is behaving like most women of her kind - selective. As expected (and as observed) she has decided to shun away the people who was with her during her time of need, of emotional downfall, of unsuredness. Like others of her kind she is a user, a snake, a whore hiding behind the veil of virginity.

She is poison, and the only reason why I was so enamoured with her (considering she is not really the kind of woman I usually go for), was pheromones. She has a lot of it. Women with a lot of it should be avoided at all costs, unless the attraction for them can be backed up by their possession of a strong moral will, self-discipline, and good admirable qualities of a good person.

Drop dead gorgeous but with the brain, common sense, and morality of a Tsetse fly...she is best avoided.

Current Mood:

contemplative

He said:

"Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome."

I like that. I think I will remember that.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I noticed this morning that old Filipino love songs - the ones that used to annoy the daylights out of me - now suddenly makes sense.

There is much to be said about these songs. To an outsider it makes absolutely no sense and any attempt at translating them (into English especially) will only result in making them look rather absurd. Filipinos love word-play, and it is not uncommon for a relative to make a crack about someone's name and pronounce it in such away that it sounds like something else. Lyrics also seem to have a kind of "quirkiness" about them, almost a child-like aura in presenting deep topics.

This song, for example, explores the implications in the word "ewan" (meaning, "I don't know" and usually accompanied by a shoulder shrug). It sees it from the viewpoint of a male suitor who is faced with courting a coquettish girl, tells her he loves her, and begs that she can say either "yes" or "no" to his affections..."just please not, 'ewan'." It talks about the pain of uncertainty in love...yet all in the guise of a lilting triple-metererd tune. YouTube has the English and French translation in the notes of this video that I fortunate to find.

===



===

I guess I am the oddball, but this attitude seems to permeate most Filipinos in the homeland...giving the impression that nothing really bothers them, and how they treat everything with humour.

Current Mood:

contemplative

Well, apparently my hospital doctor is no longer worried about me. The results of the blood-work and first (of two) MRI scans indicated that I have no other health issues (i.e., cancer and the like) to worry about. My high adrenaline levels are now normal once they have factored in the muscle mass - I have no idea what that means, but if she says it's good I certainly will not argue with her. She also prescribed new medication since I seem to have an allergic reaction to the old one. I told her about my vacation in March and about how high the salt content in Filipino food is. It may be the last time I will be seeing my grandmother and this is not the time to preach health-issues and say no to grandma's cooking. The lovely doctor Anita gave me something to help flush out the sodium.

Of course, the first person I told was Tess...she actually wants to take care of me. In fact, I think she is the first person to volunteer for the job. She has been diligently doing research on my behalf when I mentioned my newly found ailments and promptly shares with me her findings. Her personality is very traditional, and I like that - an old-fashioned girl living in a world filled with the odour of strong feminist dogma...a fish out of water, one might say. She thinks for herself and has her own opinion, but she is always gentle in her protestations, and always logical.

She cries while listening to my music and makes the effort to learn and listen to things I mention in conversation. In fact, just yesterday she mentioned that she listened to an entire performance of Mahler's 5th symphony on YouTube and was so moved by the segment I sent her of Mahler's 2nd symphony that she wants to listen to that one as well.

A woman with much baggage but shows very little outward drama. Poised and dignified. Rare. Extraordinary...

Current Mood:

contemplative

One minute we were talking, the next we are a couple - a couple that should not be but is.

I say a "couple" not in the relationship boyfriend/girlfriend sense but rather a bond that is stated as much as it is felt. There is nothing we can do to consummate the latter-mentioned relationship and therefore does not exist in a formalist sense. We cannot be together until her divorce is settled, nor can we see each other since we live in different provinces. So, we have agreed to enjoy and cultivate what we have right now with the only means of communication available to us.

It sounds too formal...and it should be. Any form of love or relationship should be first and foremost treated as a business or diplomatic merger before one can allow the full range of emotions to set in - for once they set in one is prone to blindness and stupidity. We have discussed the concept of "love" and I have fully given her my opinion on the matter. My opinion and position on the matter need not be repeated here. To my surprise she has thought about it and realized the logic of my position.

This is extraordinary - someone who agrees with me on this matter.

She knows this and accepts my terms to treat any relationship we may have a business merger and only with the highest element of objectivity and logic, especially since she has a son living in Manila with her parents at the present moment. Ours is a complicated relationship and not to be taken lightly.

I will be lying if I said there is no emotional content, for there are...and a lot of it from both sides. So, things seem to be going smoothly at the present moment. Besides, with all the busy-ness that is in store for me this year, I am in no rush for any changes yet.

Maritess...24 years ago I was teasing her and she hid from me most of the time. Now...well, she went to church to offer a prayer of thanks - a converted Muslim in a Catholic church - for meeting me.

It took us 24 years...

Current Mood:

contemplative

What is the point of marriage if it will dissolve into bitterness, resentment, separation, and divorce later on in life?

In the space of two months I could list three couples who are either on the rocks or have decided to end their marital/common-law relationship. Some of them have gotten it into their heads that to have children would fix the relationship problem between them. Unfortunately this has backfired and they are worse off than they were before having a child. Now there is a child that has has seized from being their little bundle of joy to the subject of what will be a long and bitter legal tug-of-war to gain custody of this child.

It sickens me to see it. It sickens me that this has become acceptable. It sickens me to see how irresponsible people can be, all because they base their relationship on the premise that "love can conquer all." Well, love does not conquer all. In fact, it is the cause of many of the delusions that plunge people into debt and psychotic episodes.

Get married if you will, but until you can see marriage as a business merger, one should seriously reconsider.

Current Mood:

contemplative

It pleases me that after seeing a Georg Solti rehearsal DVD my father has gained (almost instantly) an appreciation for the things I do as a conductor. It took a total stranger who has been dead now for a few years to open his eyes to the beauty of orchestral music, something that he has been oblivious to all his life.

Many people have their tastes in music, and I understand that. Unfortunately those tastes are, in the majority, in the realm of the pop world. Grunge, punk, trance, hip-hop are only a few of the genres most are exposed to. Unfortunately none of them are capable of rising above the mediocre, the everyday, the commonplace.

Great music, well written music will last the centuries - and "classical" music is a testament to that. Those who cannot appreciate them either are unable to, or just have not reached that "level" of intellect that many people I know have reached.

The great conductor Bruno Walter said that it takes maturity to truly recognize and appreciate beauty. He was right. I think my father is closer to reaching that stage...

Current Mood:

contemplative

And there is always so little time. I have pieces to learn, new pieces to learn by next Saturday. There are two pieces to learn by this Tuesday, and some pieces by Wednesday.

To ask for an extra hour in a day would be convenient, but nor advisable. With my personality I will only end up filling that hour with something else, an action that will render me in a position where I will desire another hour after that.

But...being busy is good. Idle hands are the tools of the Devil after all.

Talked to Tess tonight. Things are going well. They are slow and steady but they are good. There is no rush for anything.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I have spent the bulk of the evening listening to music by Morten Lauridsen. It is the most wonderful pieces I have heard - ethereal and timeless. It caresses the soul as the soul listens and is freed, manifesting itself in tears of joy that gently flows down the cheeks. I have only played one piece of his (and even that was an arrangement), and it moved me to tears mid-performance. I have been feeling spirit-less these past few months until I experienced his O Magnum Mysterium.

I have been told that it takes age and maturity to truly understand, recognize, and admire beauty...I think I am closer to that state.

There were tears.

===

O magnum mysterium
et admirabile sacramentum,
ut animalia viderent Dominum natum,
jacentem in præsepio.

Beata virgo, cujus viscera meruerunt
portare Dominum Christum, Alleluia!


Translation:

O great mystery
and wondrous sacrament,
that animals should see the newborn Lord
lying in their manger.

Blessed is the Virgin whose womb was worthy
to bear the Lord Jesus Christ. Alleluia!

Current Mood:

contemplative

The rotund-pink-loving-lazy-waste-of-flesh that I work with continues to widen the rift between herself and members of the staff with her blatant disregard for rules and regulations. She is still continuing to leave early, causing massive amounts of resentment from co-workers, and her selective lack of communication and continued diva-esque attitude only increases the level of irritabilty of those who witness it.

This morning, seemingly oblivious of the negative perception people have of her, announced that we "should" buy tickets to her God-awful musical production of Titanic where she plays a minor role. I noticed that eyes rolled and some people walked away after it was mentioned. I snickered when she said, "I die..."

I would buy a ticket just to see her die.

Current Mood:

aggravated

Now that routine is back, I am finding I have a lot of music to learn. The first concert in in 2 weeks and I am far from prepared. For a one-hour concert, the program is rather difficult and very involved. None of them can be read without preparation, and I fear that if I do not get more hours with the flute I might flounder through some of the sections.

Perhaps I am just being paranoid about the whole thing since I do not think my personality will allow me to face dishonour in front of my colleagues. Practice will happen and the notes will be played - and played well. Tess certainly has been a source of inspiration this past month. My music seems to touch her, and she has developed a kind of admiration mixed with infatuation that certainly does not help my attempts to remain humble.

It feels good to be openly admired. It's funny how she has never been to any of my concerts (unlike many people living in the same city as I) and yet loves anything I do. She is cute that way, all five-foot-one of her.

Current Mood:

contemplative

My hospital doctor told me to stop taking one of the two pills for a few days after I complained that I have been developing this cough. I have been off it for two days and I may have coughed only twice - both times because I swallowed air the wrong way. I think we have pin-pointed the problem and that it is the little green pill called corvasyl that is the culprit. My dad went through the same thing, but he is taking more pills than I.

We'll see.

There is a strong possibility that Gethsemane may be read by the SSW in two weeks. The conductor has had it on his mind for a while now and have waited for the right opportunity to try it out with a member of the band. Well, a player named Jonas will play it for the reading. I would have liked to have my friend Roger play the piece, but since he is so far away (and not a member of the SSW) this will do for now. The piece has been jinxed since its composition starting with a bit of negative feedback by a member of the NCB - words that spread like wildfire. It was this negative feedback that caused me to take a hiatus from composing last year. Up until now I still feel its effects. Any opportunity to play it - even badly is welcome. Who knows, maybe someone other than a handful of people may find merit in the piece.

Current Mood:

contemplative

The MRI session this morning went well. After all the negative hype given to me by people who have undergone such a claustrophobic procedure, I found that it is a rather enjoyable experience. I don't think I have ever felt more relaxed than being enclosed in a cocoon like the one they had at the hospital. My only link to the outside word was as set of headphones that blocked the noise and allowed the attendant to give me instructions.

It takes me back to my childhood when, while shopping for a coffin for a recently-deceased relative, I crawled into one and promptly fell asleep. Naturally the person I accompanied got a little annoyed since I could not hear her calling after I decided that lying down in a coffin with the lid down felt rather comfortable.

Nevertheless, the MRI machine reminded me of how nice it feels to be isolated from the world, enclosed on one's own little cocoon. I think everyone should have their own cocoon from time to time. Isolation is good for the soul, I think.

Current Mood:

contemplative

This evening I head off to the hospital again, this time for an MRI session at 12:45 AM Tuesday morning. I have not eaten yet, and am feeling a little tired from a day of work. I am glad that it was not busy today or I will most likely fall asleep on the street-car.

It is a strange feeling waiting for the appointed time to leave. I am staying overnight at my parents' since they live closer to the hospital than I do. Plus, it is my dad's birthday on Tuesday and he will most likely want the company. My iPod is full of music and will be set on "random by album" during my travel. I have decided on listening to the Mozart symphonies since they always calm me down. I have always hated hospitals and do not look forward to going. I believe they are the incubators of death and disease, their ambassadors hiding behind masks and scrubs. The less I have to be around people who are sick and dying, the better it is for me, I think.

Nevertheless, they do hold some solution to my malady.

Time to stick my head in a magnetized machine. God only knows what such a contraption will reveal.

Current Mood:

contemplative

I don't like them, and neither does anybody...but it has to be done. It can run smoothly until someone decided that they conveniently have "have a headache" and a "rehearsal" in the evening.

Well, woop-dee-doo...!

I have a headache and I have a rehearsal too, but I am here...and so are other people in the same predicament.

Someone should just fire her and leave her to fed for herself. I can only wish ill on such a person. I am glad I have rehearsal tonight. It will releave some of the stress.

Current Mood:

aggravated